Hello Friends, I wanted to share something with you today. So though it is not my typical devotional; I thought it was important to share. I hope it can help some hearts out there with healing, understanding and some peace. God bless!

12 years ago today, the good Lord took my middle child home to be with Him. He spared my life, for though my baby’s purpose was with Him in Heaven; I guess I still had my purpose here on earth. I have no pictures, I never got to hold my baby and there is no place I can visit until God calls me home. No gravestone to talk to for my own solace, no image to see when I picture my baby’s face. I am not even entirely sure if my baby was a girl or a boy. Though I have an old calendar my husband and I found in an antique store, that hangs in my room. On it is a small girl, smiling, hugging a puppy dog. I bought it for a dollar, she looks like my boy’s. When I see this photo, it brings me peace. Like every so often, I look over at it and like I have a piece of her here. Maybe I will get to Heaven and she will look different. Maybe she, is actually a him. While I am here though I give my baby a name, a gender, and a face; until I can meet her in person. For doing such gives me something more to hold onto. My feelings are peculiar in my grief for her. Sometimes I cry because I know that I miss her, even though I only ever knew her, for what felt like a moment. Other times, I cannot seem to cry and I think it is because I know that she is with God. He gives me peace about that. I trust His reasons. Though sometimes I wonder how big she smiles, who does she look like, is she funny? Did God already give her a name or does she now have the name I call her. Does she know I am her mom? I like to think when I get to Heaven, she will give me the biggest hug. I long to walk to something here on earth to stand by and talk to her. Though there are no gravesites for ectopic babies or miscarried ones. Though I know, I will be with her someday. Until then, I will carry her inside of my heart. I will be grateful for God’s reasonings and caring for her until I can meet her. I am grateful to have survived, knowing I almost died; so, I could still be here to raise her older brother, to do the Lord’s work here. I am grateful for my rainbow baby, her younger brother. Like his brother, I will raise Him to be a man of God too. They know they have a sister in Heaven. They also know God’s reasons are bigger than ours. Until we can meet Reagan Elisha in Heaven, we will continue to fulfill God’s calling on our life here. So, until we meet Reagan, I will think of you. Though I am also reassured that whom holds you now, is holding you in the greatest way. That though I cannot have you right now; someday, we will all be together again.
Erin Fitts-Brower

Psalm 34:18 NIV
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Romans 11:33 NIV
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!

Isaiah 26:3 NIV
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.